Nothing left of You

I loved you.

I loved you so intensely that the love spread out in to the universe and created a new star. I named that star after you. Each alphabet of your name glowing and brimming with the unconditional love that I kept on pouring into you. I kept on pouring my love into your bottomless thirsty being.

I kept on pouring till I was all emptied out. Till my own existence became shaky and I realized that the love has all gone in vain. No matter how much I poured, I couldn’t quench your thirst. You never recognized the pouring of the love. You never acknowledged what you were receiving wasn’t what you were entitled to, but it was something I was willing to give because how dear you were to me. You were receiving the overflow of love because that’s how I was capable of loving. It was me, who only knew one way to love, wholly and solely. My existence in its entirety, dwelled in your existence because that’s what love was for me. You were a star for me who’s shine I wanted the world to see. I could see in you so many worlds, so many lives and I wanted the world to see them all.

But you drained me of what love I had in me. I don’t have anything to give now. The unconditional love has been conditioned. There’s no love.

There’s no pouring.

There’s no dwelling.

There’s nothing left of you, in me.

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Artwork by https://instagram.com/velmock?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=6jk3ticvk7i3

Maybe In Another World

“Maybe not today
Maybe not tomorrow
Maybe in another life we will be together
We will be lasting we will be one
Maybe your heart then will finally understand the rhythm of my heart
But maybe not this time
Not in this life
Maybe in another world
A world, where this love for you won’t be left unrequited.”

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The Sun of Permanence has Set.

There was a time, months would pass and I wouldn’t shed a tear. Not a single drop. Even when the biggest tragedies struck, I would just compose myself, hold it together and would move on. All along telling myself it’s okay, I can handle this and I somehow did. But now, everyday, every fucking day, I find myself crying. For the smallest reasons possible and many times for no reason at all. All this, is very alien to me. This is not who I am. Or this is not who I was I guess..

I scold myself, fight with myself every day for being this weak but I can’t help it. I sometimes feel like a child, who just wants to be in her mother’s embrace as if that embrace would keep all the problems away.

I was never a child.

I was never this vulnerable.

I feel alien in this body. I feel alien in this mind. I am not familiar with this skin. How do I deal with this? How do I make anyone understand? I have lost people and I know I will continue to. This is not me.

I don’t think I can ever be loved. I don’t think I will ever be happy. Everything seems temporary. Waking up is a struggle. Talking to people is a struggle. Working is a struggle. It’s a life long battle that I seem to be in. A never ending war with myself.

I was never negative. I was never hopeless and faithless about my life. I am now. I don’t think I will ever be loved. I think I was never meant to be loved. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve love.

All is lost. The sun of permanence has set. I don’t think there ever will be a dawn.

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Painted photography by Aliza Razell

We do not Live.

It is bewildering and quite astonishing too, that despite of her heart broken and mind severely exhausted she still manages to smile and laugh and crack a joke here and there. Her eyes would be filled to the brim but she would change the tears of tragedy to the tears of laughter. Lips would be quivering but the smile would come and take charge. Arms would be trembling but they will be folded across the chest to be contained.

How our body withholds so much adversity and yet moves on is beyond me. The heart shatters, the soul is in tatters and still we spend our days like it’s all under control.

But there’s one thing.
There’s a difference.
We only manage to survive. We do not Live.

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Painting by Simon Birch

‘The Person I could Never be’

As elusive as I had seemed
I just waited round the corner
As distant as you felt me
I waited to be held tighter

As strong as you thought of me
I faltered quite often
As dauntless as I appeared
I begged my heart not to soften

As a valiant warrior you spoke of me
Whereas I was aching to be free
Struggling day in and day out
To be the person I could never be.

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Painting by Sergei Cherkasov

A Mask-less Face

With a smile on our faces
While exchanging pleasantries
We hide daggers in our palm
Ready to unleash the fury

Replacing one with the other
Mask after mask after mask
Hidden are the beastly faces
Behind the facade of calm

One savagely wounds the soul
Other embraces to heal
One gives a comforting smile
Other induces the ordeal

Which mask can be trusted
A mask-less face I seek
One step closer to my undoing
And survival seems bleak

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Painting by Leonardo Santamaria

Gone to a Different World

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  a song
  a loved melody
  a familiar smell in the air
  painful reminders of people
  who no longer are near

  a moment
  a hefty laugh
  a beloved shy smile
  gone to a different world
  separated by space and time

  a pat
  a reassuring nod
  a shared tea time
  distant vague memories
  impossible to cross this line

  a glimpse
  a familiar knock
  a meal eaten together ..
  no bridges there to fill the gap
  will this ache ever settle?

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  Artwork by Januz Miralles

Air of Melancholy

An air of melancholy looms over my head .
It has always been there
from day one .
But the strength to look it in the eye
and not to let it take control,
was always there too .
It’s not there any longer .

I feel the roof is collapsing on me
and the walls are closing in .
All these years
the way I ignored and dejected
this air of despondency,
it seems now, it’s gone vindictive .
Bringing me down on my knees
and taking its revenge.

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Artwork by Januz Miralles

Beginning of You

Delving into a space devoid of life
A life, without any sense of being
A being, with a ferociously burning soul
A soul, encapsulated by You.

You, who is infinite and undefined
Undefined but voraciously loved
Love, which brought me to my end
End, yet a beginning of You, within me.

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Art work : Shafique Farooqi

Loving Him is a Mistake

Oft, I find my soul
Entwined in his arms
Oft, I force it back
Forbidding to go too far

Oft, I see it wail
Writhing & tossing in pain
Oft, I console it
But each time I fail

Oft, I try to explain
In those arms don’t dwell
Oft, I give reasons
Don’t drown in this well

Oft, it rebels
Also defies my rules
Oft, it points at me
And calls me a fool

Oft, I wonder
How much will it take
Oft, I tell my soul
Loving him is a mistake

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Painting by: Chuck Tingley