There was a time, months would pass and I wouldn’t shed a tear. Not a single drop. Even when the biggest tragedies struck, I would just compose myself, hold it together and would move on. All along telling myself it’s okay, I can handle this and I somehow did. But now, everyday, every fucking day, I find myself crying. For the smallest reasons possible and many times for no reason at all. All this, is very alien to me. This is not who I am. Or this is not who I was I guess..
I scold myself, fight with myself every day for being this weak but I can’t help it. I sometimes feel like a child, who just wants to be in her mother’s embrace as if that embrace would keep all the problems away.
I was never a child.
I was never this vulnerable.
I feel alien in this body. I feel alien in this mind. I am not familiar with this skin. How do I deal with this? How do I make anyone understand? I have lost people and I know I will continue to. This is not me.
I don’t think I can ever be loved. I don’t think I will ever be happy. Everything seems temporary. Waking up is a struggle. Talking to people is a struggle. Working is a struggle. It’s a life long battle that I seem to be in. A never ending war with myself.
I was never negative. I was never hopeless and faithless about my life. I am now. I don’t think I will ever be loved. I think I was never meant to be loved. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve love.
All is lost. The sun of permanence has set. I don’t think there ever will be a dawn.
Painted photography by Aliza Razell