That’s what I need to do. Survive.

Often some unfathomable emotions cling to us, like a burden on our shoulders or an access baggage that we carry within us. These emotions are often not describable. Or an attempt to describe them seem ludicrous as we are not aware of those emotions since they lie somewhere in our subconscious. That’s how I feel most of the time. All that I might need to describe so to help myself in gaining a better perspective, is all in a haze somewhere. I can’t really pin point and say; ‘There, right there, that’s where it all got wrong.’ Though I wish I knew. I wish I knew where I lost my track and never regained it. Where I started bottling up, which door led me to this unfamiliar place where I’ve been living for so long yet not know my way out.

I’ve been venting and expressing mostly through my poems but recently have decided to write as well, I’ve been writing earlier too but never to just express how exactly I feel. Even when I write poems, I cover up my emotions and feelings because maybe I myself am afraid to face them. But I’ve vowed not to be scared anymore. I’ve vowed to face the fears, grieve my past as much as I want to but Not to stay oblivious anymore. Denying that a bullet is coming towards me won’t make the bullet return, it’ll still come at me and take my soul away. If I won’t make an effort to duck at the right time, I won’t survive.

That’s what I need to do. Survive.
So here’s hoping that this year will be my last year of these bottled up emotions. I’ll take them out gradually, without the fear of who’s hand they will run into. I will open them up, because I won’t be afraid. And I will Survive.

A Life Lived In Debt

 

Each breath seems to be answerable to a life lived in debt,
Long ago from which she thought she had fled.

Each step allured her towards an intolerable tragedy,
From which she couldn’t return & kept gaining insanity.

The damage and catastrophe that her soul contained,
Made her existence seem mundane.

She tried sobering up but still looked ghastly,
Darkness crept over her, slowly and softly.

Who was at fault? She often questioned.
Her path was beginning to feel unaccustomed.

She held on to a lose string which she considered hope,
Looking for a place to dwell in, a humble abode.

She knew where she collapsed and what was the reason,
But still she couldn’t put back the pieces together.

She lingered on without a question or complain,
She had no other option but to strengthen and sustain.

(Picture courtesy: http://www.flickr.com/photos/deapeajay/3051166488/ )

Yellow Brick Road

Sometimes all you need is to be held and told it’ll be okay.
These are just some tough times and they’ll go away.

You deserve much more, don’t give up just yet,
There is a world waiting for you, please don’t fret.

Don’t let your pain stricken body and mind take control,
Your soul holds secrets that you weren’t told.

Search within and follow the yellow brick road,
It’ll bring sunshine into your life, you’ll see for sure.

You’ve been tested beyond your capacity to bear,
But there is still light at the end, just don’t despair.

You will be held and told it’ll be okay,
These are just some tough times and they’ll go away.

Lately..

Lately, I’ve been missing you more than I should,
Lately, it has been hurting more than I can bear.
Lately, tears well up without even telling me.
Lately, my heart skips a beat for no reason.
Lately, I wake up in the middle of the night shivering.
Lately, I find myself quivering with fear.
Lately, I miss your arms wrapped around me.
Lately, the void seems to be getting bigger.
Lately, I feel myself stranded in a desert.
Lately, it has been difficult to breath.
Lately, my strength and courage is withering away.
Lately, my denials have been leaving my side.
Lately, the lump in my throat refuses to go down,
Lately, I feel I might just drown.
Lately, I wish not to see another day,
Lately.. I wish if only, life hadn’t gone astray.

Stay strong little fellow!

Stay strong little fellow, 

You’ve come a long way.

Breathe slowly dear friend,

It’s just a bad day.

You’ve fallen several times,
But got up on your own.
You were hurt and betrayed,
A friend turned into a foe.

You limped your way out,
Left the dungeons behind.
It wasn’t your fault dear,
Don’t curse, be kind.

Fear not little fellow,
You did come a long way.
Give some time to yourself,
It eventually will be okay!

Not stronger than a Twig!

It hurts and aches as I cling on to dear life.

The courage has disappeared and so has the pride.

I’m weak and vulnerable not stronger than a twig,

I can’t find a way out no matter how far I dig.

I’m walking in circles aimless and clueless,

Never in my life have I felt this helpless.

Why has my life become so difficult to steer,

I took each step with precision and care.

I’ve been scarred and hurt beyond repair,

I’ve lost so much what else is there to fear?

They say God doesn’t test you more than you can bear,

But maybe He lost my record or maybe He doesn’t care!

One dilemma after the other.

One dilemma after the other, that’s what life holds,

And it eventually will be okay, we are often told.

How true this statement is, no one is aware,
But questioning the destiny? Now who would ever dare?

Despite of every stumble and every painful fall,
We get up, dust our clothes and again stand tall.

Whatever is meant to happen it always does,
But how to cope with it, that’s all the fuss.

The light near the tunnel does give hope,
We might finally reach before the doors are closed.

‘Distance’

Distance seems a word so small,

But carrying so much pain.

A never ending journey,

How much I disdain.

Voices becoming so low and faint,

Nothing remains the same.

Heard from a distance,

Are only incomplete names.

Memories slipping away

And faces growing pale.

Home, now a house,

Put up for sale.

Arms wide open

But no one to embrace.

A bunch of friendly people,

But no familiar face.

Sufferers of this distance,

Will surely empathize,

Those teary swollen eyes

And those killing sleepless nights.